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Outdoor Sportsmen's Jokes
| Here's some hunting / fishing humour to enjoy and then claim as your own - after all, if after a long day in the bush or the boat you're the one
with nothing to show for it, you'd better be able to claim responsibility for the best laughter! |
| Two hunters were slowly dragging their dead deer back to their truck when another hunter approached pulling his along too. "Nice deer... listen, I don't really want to tell you how to do something ... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground." After the third hunter moves on, the two decided to try his method. A little while later one hunter says to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!" "Yeah" the other added, "but we're getting farther from the truck." |
On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the coastline on an impromptu sightseeing trip. His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the beautiful shoreline in an area where Canadian tourists typically inhabit when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. He drove closer to see what it was. Upon approaching the scene, he saw a man in the water wearing a Boston Bruins hockey jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark. At that moment, a speedboat containing three men wearing Montreal Canadiens' jerseys roared into view from around the point. Immediately, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Bruins fan from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They then bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the boat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was the Pope summoning them to the beach. After they reached shore, the Pope praised them for the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there was bitter hatred in your country between the fans of the Canadiens and the Bruins, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of true harmony and your companionship could serve as a model on which other countries, like this one, could follow". He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.
As he departed, the harpooner asked the others, "Who was that?" "That," one guy answered, "was his Holiness, the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom". "Well," the harpooner replied, "he doesn't know a thing about shark fishing. Now, is the bait holding up okay, or do we need to get another one?" |
| One day a man is out hunting and shoots a beautiful trophy deer, but the deer jumps a fence into private property before dying. The man looks around to make sure nobody is watching and then climbs the fence to retrieve his kill. As the hunter reaches the deer, he is confronted by the land owner who informs the hunter that he can't take the deer. The hunter replies "the deer is clearly mine because I was the one who shot him right before he jumped the fence and died". The land owner defended "yes but this is my land, and whatever is on it belongs to me". The land owner adds "I know how we can solve this delema with a simple game. What we do is take turns kicking each other in the groin until one of us can take no more. And I think that because you are trespassing on my land, I should be able to kick first". The hunter thought to himself and decided that he was a fine sportsman and an outdoor enthusiest, overall a pretty tough guy. So he took a step back and prepared himself for the blow. The land owner wound up and kicked the hunter so hard that it dropped him to the ground gasping in pain. After about five minutes the hunter got his breath back, climbed to his feet and said "O..K.. I ..did....it, now it's my turn. To which the landowner promptly replied "NAA! you can keep the deer". |
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| A duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he came upon a tree. Archery targets are painted all over it, and smack in the middle of each was an arrow. "Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cried the duke. "I must find him." After continuing through the forest for a few miles, he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets. "You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you?" asked the duke worriedly. "No my lord. I shot them from 100 paces - I swear it." "That is truly astonishing," said the duke. "I hereby admit you into my service. But I must ask one favor in return. You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot." "Well," said the boy, "first I fire the arrow at the tree, and then I paint the target around it." |
| A lady goes into a sporting goods store looking for a rod for under 20 dollars. She goes to the fishing section and finds one for 19.99 and takes it up to the counter where there's a man staring straight ahead and wearing dark shades. She says, "excuse me, I need to purchase this fishing rod" to which the man replies, "drop it on the counter and I'll tell you exactly what it is." The woman drops the rod and the man says, "That's a zebco 202 reel with a 6.5 foot rod and 10 lb test line." She responds, "wow - how do you know all of that?!" "Well I'm, blind - I have to know how to do that". So the man begins entering the details on the cash register by touch and the woman passes some gas. He then punches a few more keys and says "uh, the total will be 25.50." The lady responds, "I thought it was only 20 dollars." The blind man says, "It is, but it's 2.50 for the duck-call and 3 dollars for the catfish bait". |
| One day, three friends go hunting. Only one is very good, so the second two plan to watch him. They arrive at the hunting cabin, and get all set up. The next day, the first hunter goes out. He returns with a big deer. The second two guys ask him how he did that. They can't believe how big the deer is. "It was easy. Found the tracks, followed the tracks, BAM shot the deer." The next day, the second hunter goes out, and comes back with an even bigger deer. The third guy's eyes bug out when he sees it, and he asks him how he did it. "Same thing the first guy did. Found the tracks, followed the tracks, BAM shot the deer." So on the third day, the last guy goes out to hunt. He doesn't come back for a very long time. When he staggers into the cabin, rifle gone, all beat up and bruised, with only one boot, the other two are very surprised. They ask him what happened. "Well...I found the tracks, followed the tracks...BAM got run over by a train." |
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